To Drive or Not To Drive
Ray and I attended a presentation at church this evening led by a friend who retired a few years ago. He had worked as a geologist for major oil companies and was able to help the group of about 35 of us understand how Big Oil works. We learned the difference between resources and oil reserves, what the cost of a barrel of oil really means and a little of the progress being made using technology and new drilling methods. Mostly though, I was reminded how the choices we make as individuals and families impact more than just ourselves. He said something that really stuck in my head, “We tend to buy our son or daughter a car on their sixteenth birthday because that is what WE wanted at that age.”
As Chelsea’s seventeenth birthday approaches this month, I’m asking “what does a girl her age want?” Perhaps I should focus that a little differently? Maybe the question should be multi-faceted and include “what will make her happy?”, “what does she need to help her along toward adulthood?”, “what gift will give her a sense of how special she is?”, “what can I do that she’ll remember years from now with fondness and perhaps a smile?”, “what can I afford?” She’s not yet interested in driving so anything to do with that isn’t even in the picture at this time. I thought perhaps she’d enjoy going to the mall with her friends as I’ve seen many teens doing that, however, she feels a trip like that would be depressing and the opposite of fun. When I urged her to explain, she shared that when she sees all the clothes, jewelry, accessories, cosmetics, and such she just gets depressed because she’d love to have money in her pocket for buying new things. That problem could be solved by her getting an after-school job and I’m hoping something like that is in her future. But for now, a job isn’t nearly as important as getting her grades up.
I totally get her comment about a trip to the mall being depressing. I’ve felt that way for several years now. I’ve become quite a hermit simply because when I go out anywhere, I’m constantly reminded how bleak our financial situation has been since returning to Oregon in July of 2008. When there is little or no hope of change and the outlook continues to look bleak as it has for so long, I become depressed and very sad. It isn’t that the doors of opportunity are closed, there just aren’t any doors! The dark cloud of depression frequently surrounds me and there’s not a smile within me to be found. People talk about trips they’ve just taken or are planning, places where they’ve recently enjoyed a great meal, remodeling or redecorating rooms in their homes, buying new appliances or vehicles, new gadgets like iPads and Kindles they are excited about, and so on. I try to be happy for them but haven’t the energy required to push down my sorrow while trying to share in their enthusiasm. Month after month we’ve had to focus on additional ways to cut expenses such as giving up magazine and newspaper subscriptions, getting haircuts at the beauty college for $5 rather than going to our usual stylists, resigning from choir because that extra trip each week to rehearsals took more gas than we could buy, and on and on it has gone. When the Yankees played the Mariners in Seattle this summer, I was so depressed because my team was nearby and I knew there was no way I could go to a game this year. Ray’s golf clubs are covered with dust. When Neil Diamond came to Portland, I was gloomy for days and didn’t even get dressed the day of his concert here. So many days are passing with the two of us stuck in this financial disaster of our lives. I miss my family so much and mourn each passing month as a lost opportunity to see those little grandsons growing up. And now that we’ve exhausted every financial resource we had, I fear it will take the rest of our lives to dig out of debt. This despair is an awful thing. The anger I feel most of the time is awful. My therapist told me that the majority of suicides don’t want to die; they just want the pain to stop. Well, I’m way beyond wanting the pain to stop and have seriously considered that option. I’m not going in that direction though because I KNOW the pain it causes those left behind and I refuse to punish my family and friends that way. I’m just hanging on looking for an alternative.
There are surely others around who have similar troubles. Perhaps someone else has been through a period like this and we could use our empathy to guide or teach each other how to survive? I find no comfort in the idea of God walking beside me through this; I don’t want a companion, I want relief! I want this all to be over one way or another. Many are praying for us but if their petitions are making any difference, I can’t see it. In my humanity, I am impatient and perhaps immature as I want to demand my own agenda rather than wait on the Almighty’s timeframe.
Someone asked why I haven’t been getting Disability income. To get into that scene, one has to have medical record numbers, names & contact info for all past doctors and therapists, a list of prescribed drugs and dosages taken and more. Because we’ve moved several times in the last ten years, I’ve lost most of that and cannot remember the names of my doctors and certainly don’t remember any of the specific dates. One benefit of having had a great therapist, I’ve learned to recognize it when I get too close to my own tipping point. Just wish Barbara hadn’t shredded my immense file a couple years ago. Those records would have been a big help getting some financial help.
So today I’m working on a list of my choices. I’m not going to give up but I might take a mental break so my reserves don’t get any lower than they are. Like the earth’s oil supply, I have mental and physical energy reserves and resources. If I'm to be a contributing member of society, I must be a good steward of them and not be wasteful. My flame may be dim and flickering at times, but I will not let it go out!
No comments:
Post a Comment